“I Love you Sujana”
Sometimes the happiness of the speaking lips remains unreciprocated by the recipient’s ears but I had to tell Sujana that I love her.
Her face seemed a perplexed world to me.
“What have you done?” She stared
“We were good friends, I had spent some good time with you but I can neither love anyone nor let anyone love me” She added.
“Why did you say, ‘we were good friends’, aren’t we? ” I was scared.
Life can’t afford loosing some people, my nerves were taut as the string of a bow.
“When friendship demands a new name, it says it has already lost the name with which it was born” She said looking into my eyes.
The blazing sun of reality crackled the desert sand of my dream. “Don’t say like that, please” It was very difficult to find words that could become the balm of a bruised heart. Why God ! Why ? When you had created words to break things then why not to join them. God was unanswerable. Heart loves to hear phrases, but when the word passes stabbing the heart. Thereafter heart fears to see any more word and refuses to accept them, this must be the secret why people don’t want to hear anything after getting hurt and want to be alone for some time, some days, some even for the entire life.
“Here is your Pasta Sir!, Mam! enjoy the evening ” The waiter left serving delicious pastas in two royal plates.
“I don’t want to spoil your evening. Enjoy your pasta. Since I came with you, I will accompany you till hostel but from tomorrow I won’t be with you anymore”
The problem with sadness is its bitterness spoils the delicacy of life because heart spews out molten happiness that mingles with blood every moment. Certainly I didn’t enjoy anything, don’t know about her. I tried many times to say something more but my tongue couldn’t able to turn after her name. I guess they were more favorable to her than to me. Is n’t this love?, when a part of you cares more for her than to you. All love knowing people will agree to me I know.
<2>
We had reached to the hostel gate where two different paths were in front of our eyes, one leading to the Girl’s hostel and another to the Boy’s hostel.
“I will miss you” I said with tearful eyes
“Try not to, and never try to trouble your eyes for such a person who couldn’t stay in that. ” She said softly and walked away.
I was expecting a last turn but it didn’t happen. Friendship often refuses to climb the steep cliff of love, I had to console my heart but it was shattered, I cried like a child, but wiped them immediately seeing the college premises. Boys shouldn’t cry, especially in college. It affects the machismo.
“So superstar, what happened today?”
One more problem in hostel. When you enter into your room, stupid fellows will surround you asking all crap questions. How to make fun of other’s pain is best known by bachelors. Their own imagination started, I was silent, my eyes were wet, I jumped to the bed, and it felt like I fell sheer into the pond of sorrows. Holding the pillow tight, I clung to the bed.Somebody patted on my shoulder, when I opened my eyes, hundreds of heads were above me encircling like an umbrella. They were sweet too. They make fun of you, they stand with you next moment, culture of hostel life.I burst into tears, few held my body
“Did you propose her?” One of my friends asked.
“What did she say?” another one asked
“Obviously she has refused. Can’t you see?” another one said
“You were into a wrong girl. She knows how to enjoy time, she lets people grow feelings for her but when things come to commitment, she behaves as if she is the Sita of modern age” It hit my heart so hard.
“You know this is the tenth time she has broken someone’s heart, you see from tomorrow on, she will be with another guy.” Some one said
“She struts around like a hen in a rooster house” some one said who was known for his stupid philosophical things.
Someone roared among them “Let’s go to the ladies hostel, pull that girl, and teach her a lesson. This is shameful for all of us. One clever girl has been continuously hurting our friends and we are silent. What she is thinking of herself? The bloody femme fatale”
Another one roared matching voice with him
“The day is not far when other girls will be inspired by her and dared to cheat on us. They need to be aware that they wear bangles, not we. What do you say brothers? ”
I requested them but my strength was not enough to stop the mad force. I didn’t want to be discussed but it happened and the crazy crowd headed to the girls hostel. It was expected that the crowd will come back half the way. Most of the time it happens but that day something big was written to happen. A big fight with hostel security and hostel warden. The moment was very difficult to swallow when I saw her tearful eyes. she was watching us standing at the window. Things spoken about her were rumors generated by wounded hearts or they were true was difficult to conclude. Her words had stuffed my heart with pain, So I had no emotion to think or react. The flow was taking me and I was flowing like a dry leaf.
<3>
After the big drama, there was something bigger for the next day. Suspension notice on sixty students. Thereafter things went on to personal level and shaped differently. Each one pulled his supporters and headed to management office. When I sensed they were contriving to throw her out of the college. I told to someone
“I think we need to negotiate things with management, my heart says she can’t be that bad”
He laughed and everyone laughed “Haven’t you heard the song…..”
Everyone sang at the same time “Dil to bacha hai ji……..”
The boy’s hostel demanded the ban on Sujana. Management was helpless. They weren’t able to take any action on Sujana because she had not done anything wrong, more over if we say she had played with people’s emotions, there’s no law judging the emotional crime. On the other hand boys had done wrong, forcefully getting into girl’s hostel, mouth expletives, physically harassing securities and hostel warden. The drama continued for two three days, the storm had no intention to subside.
Sujana stepped in with a solution surprising everyone. She requested management to take back suspension from students and expressed her willingness to leave the college voluntarily but she had a strange demand too. She wanted to address the whole college before leaving. Management agreed to her.
In the span of few days she was a popular figure. The auditorium was full, all management people were in front two seats. Our chancellor whom we would see very rarely was seen that day. Sujana entered with some files in hand.
There were some whispers but as she touched the mike, every lip fell silent.
“Thank you all who have made me to stand here” she laughed certainly not due to happiness.
“I am beautiful” she raked her fingers through her hair.
“I don’t say that, lots of messages that come to my inbox everyday say that. I am no speaker nor keep any wish to become. But I am here with a speech that I have not written, that I have not discussed because I want to pass the words from my heart. I don’t want to leave a shameful past behind me, I can see a question mark on my authenticity, the time asks me to prove my innocence and I am giving a last try” Don’t know what she had, but her speech touched everyone’s heart. The speech intensified the silence. Breathing noises disappeared from the hearing spheres.
“I never wanted to hurt anyone. I never did but people stepped into such path that had to bring sufferings for them. If some one says he loves me, do I have to answer I love him? If so then I have to say lots of people that I love them. An unmarried girl who loves lots of boys, what the society calls them – I think you all know that.
How can people decide my emotions? And more over the get laid culture is not an alien concept to our ears now days. If I refuse to kill the possibility of taking the relation to a locked door then I am bad. Why should people get what they want from me? I am no object to satisfy anyone’s needs. The truth is, these boys have their eyes itching seeing me single.
Today I will reveal the reason why I never stepped into love affairs, why I always remained repellent to any advances in friendship?”
Sujana’s voice was soft but it was piercing everyone’s heart. She was telling something that we have forgotten long back in the name of modernization. This is the most unfortunate thing that we have reached to a day when people laugh on roots and cultures. Before she concludes
I understood she had been right and she was mistaken.
“I have some files in my hand. I am putting them on projector. Please look into the screen.” She pressed the key on the remote to launch the screen
“Oh my Gosh” Sujana’s face was swollen. It was hard to see that on screen. Lots of people put their head down.
<4>
“This is not an image edited in photo editing tool. This is the half truth of my life. The beautiful face that you people see and admire looks like this for seven to ten days each month. You couldn’t able to see a single moment of that life then how can a person will bear me half of his life like this?
People say I spend time with them but when the point comes to do any commitment I take a turn but how can I promise someone to be with him forever when I am aware of the fact that I am dying. Like every girl I have a dream to taste the sweetness of love but I can’t request my fate to spoil someone else’s.
I am alone and I will be alone forever. Now you all have understood that I don’t have anything to offer anyone no beauty, no wealth, no happiness. I have only my purity, which has a question mark today. The answer now can be given by you whether I am good or I am bad. Leaving the place thanking you all wonderful people.”
The sordid campaign had to bow in front of her.
All seated audience stood up while applauding and the standing ovation was enough to prove her innocence.
I was waiting for her in the departure. She looked at me but didn’t say anything.
“I have a say?” She stopped at me.
“I am sorry” two tear drops trickled from my eyes.
“Will you be alone forever?” I asked seeing her two blinking eyes.
“I believe Yes, This Sita will wait for her Ram. If he has to come he will come”
“I love you, how much you can never imagine, but I know you don’t have any feelings. Don’t get me wrong but I don’t want you to get Ram” I said
“Is it a try to curse my fate?” Her expression was as innocent as I knew.
I disappeared in the crowd without saying anything. I knew whom I lost but life shouldn’t be spent requesting some one to be with you.
<5>
Life seemed irksome without her. For some days I kept track of her , the day when I heard she was seen with mysterious someone. I felt time had come to take my eyes off from her life since she had met her Ram, with whom she always wanted to be.
I didn’t want to upset my parents so married to a girl with whom they wanted me to tie. If she was not that much good, she was not bad either. We lived a happy life together. Being busy in work and family I never realized how the color of my hairs transformed to white.
One day I received a mail to attend Rahul’s marriage. It’s interesting when old bones go romantic. People curse the day when the sacred knot ties someone with them but some daring persons like Rahul had the guts to marry his wife again after 60 years to relive those moments. I had to fly to Amritsar.
“Why are you increasing the expenses of this old lawyer. People are not able to marry once and you are marrying again and again ” He was reading a newspaper in the verandah, he came and hugged me so tightly. The warmth of some hugs never goes, the grip of the arms never asks the age to bones.
The ceremony was grandeur and splendid. I got surprised to see a young Sujana in the party. The knowledge that I had watching movies told me that she was Sujana’s daughter. I asked Rahul’s wife to introduce her to me.
The girl denied having any connection with Sujana. She was flavored modernly.
I couldn’t understand what was going on. The strings of heart vibrated on the tunes of old memories. I followed her car after party but couldn’t get much information.
I tried to find out Sujana but there were no signs of her. Before leaving to Copenhagen, I got a clue of her best friend and headed to her flat without any second thought.
“You must be Biswajit” She guessed my name cent percent accurate when I asked her about Sujana. She had told me, you were the one whose eyes showed love for her. ” The words soothed the pain of some wounds that had slept after a long scream being tired.
I asked her lots of questions as I was restless to know about Sujana.
“She was very happy with Anmol. She always wanted to be with a person like Ram. She used to visit temples and do fasting with complete devotion. She met with Anmol in a temple and got attracted. He was an eligible bachelor in the society but before stepping in to the relation she informed him about her disease that she had.
Anmol was in deep love with Sujana. He promised to take care of her but after marriage their life was not as rosy as she had dreamt. ” She couldn’t able to tell further as Sujana was moved to London after marriage, fortunately her old diaries helped me and I got her address.
<6>
I found some white people living in their flat. An Indian brother called me from the neighborhood, With a little hope, I was waiting for him in the drawing room and watching how beautifully these NRIs decorate their houses.
He came with two cup of beer and offered me. A cool Sardar ji. We discussed about Anmol’s family. They had left that house long back but Sardarji handed over me few letters that had come after them. There was offer of a Punjabi dinner but I had to bid them bye as I was in a mission to find the person whom I had loved so much.
The taxi driver’s eye was on the road but my eyes were scanning those letters. To see something that can take me to my love Sujana. I couldn’t believe what I just saw, I shuffled back, A divorce letter. Now there was utter confusion
“Why Sujana wanted to depart from his Ram?”
I was a British lawyer, so there were no obstacles digging into the case. Steve who had filed the case for Sujana was a known friend to me. He came with two diet cokes, I thought Sardar ji was really cool.
“Their family life was really good but after few months of marriage Sujana got one heart attack. She was hospitalized immediately. Knowing Sujana’s health history Anmol was completely broken. Before marriage they had discussed on this and Anmol was aware of the fact that She was dying and she won’t live with him forever.
Next day when he visited the hospital and found doctors have moved her from ICU to normal room. His anger was on his peak. He took his cheque book out and headed to the doctor’s chamber. He was like a thunder and threw all his signed cheques on the doctor like as of some lightening. Now the lightening had to fall on Anmol. He was informed his wife’s body was completely fine. It was just a little heart contraction due to climatic issues. He ran to Sujana
“What is the doctor saying?” He questioned on the poor treatment and asked his secretary to move Sujana to some other hospital.
She held his hands and pulled him.
“He is right. I don’t have any diseases” Anmol’s face became like a question mark like “What?”
“And your disease that your face becomes swollen and you are dying all those?” he asked
“Let me explain” she said
“Explain” Anmol eyed Sujana
“I never had trust on people, we live in a day where love is sold and bought. I wanted to taste the sacredness of the fruit of love. The disease was a thing that I had used to get a true love and which protected me for not being cheated. You accepted me knowing that I am dying and the face of mine is ugly half of the year. This Sita is happy with her Ram” Sujana hugged Anmol, he smiled.
“What do you think of yourself? Do you have any idea what have you done? Every moment I have been dying dealing with the thought that you will leave me one day, every day when I open my eyes I think what I can do to make your day filled with happiness. You have spoken with a Blasphemous language to my life. Do you have any sense what emotions are, you are justifying yourself by giving such stupid reasons” Anmol was loud, when heart breaks no relation stays glued. Sujana was floored hearing such words from Anmol.
“I am sorry if you are ever hurt.” Sujana said
“This can’t rekindle our love again. I will send you divorce papers” Anmol left saying, Sujana watched those foot steps that one day came as love to her life. As the door latched, the door of love got locked for Sujana.
Steve was explaining just a case file. So expecting some emotional signs from him was not what I was looking for. I wanted Sujana’s address and fortunately Steve had as she had transferred money from her place to him as lawyer fees.
<7>
This evoked mirth and surprise. I wanted to meet her, I bought some gifts, flowers, chocolates, when I looked at the car, it was full. The wheels started rolling and each moment was reducing the distance between us. I saw one old lady watering flowers, My car was stopped at the wooden house located in the outskirt of a small town.
“Can I meet Sujana?” The old lady scanned me from top to bottom.
“Are you Biswajit?” I wondered how a lady who never saw me before know me. She then told that Sujana would always tell her about him.
The room was decorated nicely, there were paintings, I knew they were painted by Sujana as she was fond of doing that.
“Where is Sujana? I want to see her” I asked.
I was offered mulled cider.
“I was her assistant. She never treated me as a maid but always as her sister. I have seen the pain of a mother departing from her child. I have seen her tears with regret for loosing true love. She had the disease when her face was going ugly most of the time. One day the disease took her away. ” The old lady surprised me.
As Steve told me Sujana’s life got changed because she had lied about her disease.
“I know, that was a lie that she had created to protect herself” I smiled
“You are aware of half truth” the lady said
“What?” I looked at her
“yes she had created this but it latter happened to her. She fell sick thinking about happenings in her life and suffered the same disease that she used to tell before.” The lady’s eye got wet
“Oh my gosh!!” Her words tugged the strings of heart.
“She would tell me always that you loved her so much, but one thing she never understood why did you tell her she willn’t get Ram in her life. Sometimes she felt it was your ill wish because of which all these happened” The lady said
I laughed for some time. She got surprised seeing my reaction.
“Have you read Ramayan?” I asked her.
“Yes I did, lot of times to understand why you told her she willn’t get her Ram.” She said
“History knows Sita was the most beautiful and the purest girl but the only mistake she had done in her life was marrying with Ram” Her eyes got wider.
“What? Ram is an idol of principles” She said
“Yes he is but is he an idol of love?”
“The ceremony was magnificent that had witnessed the wedding of Ram and Sita, but few days of happiness dissolved in the air when Ram was exiled to Forests. Sita willingly renounced the comforts of the palace and joined her husband in braving the travails of exile. A princess who would sleep in lotus petals, who would wash her feet with rose water , walked on muddy paths , nails pierced in her feet but she never stopped walking. She cut woods, prepared food for them but her pain never endured. She was kidnapped by Ravana. Surrounding all devils, in front of Ravana’s lustful eyes she struggled to maintain her chastity. Tears never stopped rolling from her eyes thinking about Ram but when he conquered Lanka and rescued Sita, She faced the test of going through the fire, in order to prove her chastity to the world.. Holy fire bowed down in front of Sita’s purity and she moved to Ayodhya with her husband. When happiness started coming to her again it turned , before enjoying the happiness of a wife she was forced into exile a second time suspecting the purity when Ram heard from an intemperate washer man who called him a pusillanimous for accepting Sita who had lived in the house of another man. A princess was sent to jungle where she had to deal with hungry animals. Valmiki gave her refuge in his hermitage. Ram never cared for Sita nor sent any help. People say every woman needs the support of her husband while delivering her child but Sita delivered the children when Ram was enjoying being a ruler of Ayodhya. She drank the pain happily to bring the children on earth. The children grew up and met Ram. When all came to Sita, She pleaded for release from an unjust world and from a life that had rarely been happy. The mother earth accepted Sita and she was lost. What she got in her life? The earth dramatically split open and Sita was taken into the laps of mother earth. Sita got only tears marrying with Ram. Her life would have been better marrying with someone else. This was the reason why I never wanted her to marry Ram. I never wished anything except happiness for her. This heart always loved her fanatically” I smiled and the old lady too.
<8>
She looked at me and smiled.
“Have you ever loved anyone except Sujana” She asked
“No I don’t” I said looking straight into her eyes.
“You loved her even though she never loved you” she asked
“Yes I did” I said
“Sujana was unfortunate who couldn’t understand your love” She said
We both fell silent, we woke after some time to a quiet knocking on the roof tops. We came out , the snow had arrived. Every bare tree, the dirty ice, everything was clean and new swathed in a giant white blanket.
My car left the place, I waved my hands to bid her bye and she did the same too.
“Aunt S-u-j-a-n-a, I want some flowers” A little boy called. The lady turned to him and smiled.
“Sometimes brain creates the rule but heart gets trapped”
