LAST BREATH

The first breath starts with a cry always and the journey between first and last writes the destiny of the concluding breath, whether it will end with a smile or with a cry. We never know whose name our last breath will utter, yes it calls out the name, but the strangest feature of the terminus point is before realizing whose name it said, consciousness bridges to unconsciousness taking our body to an eternal stillness. It recalls the name of our beloved. Sometimes whom our brain never accepted, whom our heart never recognized and sometimes to whom our lips never said yes to. The heart yearns too but drowsy feelings never succeed to wake up sometimes, sometimes who came in your dream but you never noticed him. In an attempt to see the someone of your dream, you forget the someone of your breath sometimes.

Beneath the wide blue sky, Arpit was busy doing something sinking in thoughts. Random motion of puffy clouds was creating an illusion of snowfall on sky. A stranger appeared and asked Arpit to let him sit. Taking a brief pause, his eye balls moved and saw all other tables were occupied; he pointed to a chair near him and resumed his work.

“I am Rahul” The stranger said.
“Arpit” Both shook their hands.
“What’s being written in earnest?” Rahul asked
“Giving face to life’s nothingness” Arpit replied.

He sounded like a poet, upon Rahul’s request Arpit forwarded a small paper where few lines were written in a dark pencil. The lines forced Rahul to close his eyes for a second and to open them with a smile. He admired the lines and looked Arpit with eyes manifesting veneration. The leaden conversation got some liveliness; they had a friendly chat for sometime to know each other. Interrupting the conversation Rahul asked Arpit to come with him,

Two persons standing at the bow of a fast moving ship, the wind was blowing in a mad pace. The sun was sinking in the ocean casting orange shades on the blue sky, the ocean water was glittering like blue diamonds; the scene was aesthetically pleasing to the eyes.

“See the ocean water ” Rahul raised his hands to point.
“Blue drops of life, and the sky of happiness meeting at the horizon of hope. ” Arpit said
“Do you know what I see” Rahul asked
“What?” Arpit asked
“I see only water, the scientific structure of sea water, we are same, our eyes have same biological structure but we see differently”
“I agree…..” Smiled Arpit.

They both walked around the ship, in a friendly chat

Some days after……
“So how is this morning?” Rahul asked
“Mornings are always nice” Arpit answered with a smile

Both raised their coffee cup
Rahul asked him the purpose of visiting Chicago and Arpit answered the purpose was to meet someone

“Seems someone very special” Rahul asked
“Yes she is…” Arpit’s voice softened
“So you love her…right!!” Rahul asked
“… what did you say?” Arpit drawn back to the present world
“She is the someone you love right !” Rahul repeated
“Yes…”

Arpit got up from the chair and disappeared somewhere among the crowd.
Rahul couldn’t figure out what went wrong. He searched him every where and finally found at a corner of the ship.

“Are you ok….my friend” Rahul asked
“Yes I am fine” Arpit got up and started walking with him.

Rahul inquired the reason behind the strange behavior and Arpit answered politely, his tears are shy and they are his very own.
Rahul understood something serious had buried in an innocent heart. It was his thought , a great love story , boyfriend accomplishing journey to meet his beloved. Suddenly everything seemed different.
Rahul requested Arpit to introduce to his deep delved earth. Arpit looked at him for few seconds. They had reached the same table they were at. The waiter was asked to bring two more coffees.

Arpit verbalized the consequences of a sun burnt mirth…..

Sheetal!!….. The name is something that has been a reference to my happiness and my muse.What to describe about a person who had all her features noteworthy. Shiny auburn hair and lustrous eyes, lovely lopsided grin, her beauty doesn’t rely on any word to be described, it can be said the word beautiful relies on her to get represented. We were childhood pals, sharing a harmonious friendly relationship always. I never understood what attracted me to her always. When she was around, I could feel some kind of spell is overcoming me. After our school, colleges became different, it was nothing good to feel for both of us, but had to move with time, when I entered into college, I always expected the seat next to me would be occupied by her but it never happened. She was a shadow like before my eyes, every heart beat would seem like she raps on my heart. When I was seeing at my hands, there I would see a face etched. When the cold breeze would pass, I could feel her silken breath brushing my cheeks. In college, my eyes saw boys and girls roaming together, spending time in parks. Soon I came to know the feeling’s name was Love. Sometimes life accentuates something that you never thought of. When shall I express? I didn’t know, of fear of loosing her my wings were clipped. It was a guess by me that might be we both had same feelings for one another. I assured myself saying, she was aware of this, but never expressed after all dreams and desires are slaves to circumstances. By that time, our graduation was finished and final result was awaited.

One day she called me…..

“I want to say something” she said
“But don’t know how?” she added

My heart beat raced, galloped like a horse, this is what I wanted to hear, this is what I wanted to say.

“You can tell me, anything, right away” I said controlling my emotions.
“Can you believe, I am in love” she was very excited.
“Really…who is the lucky one”

My heart was expecting the name ‘Arpit’ with the very thought of this, I was in ecstasy. But mankind never understood the enigmatic smile of love, how could I be? Below the horizon of happiness there was a ray of suspicion.

“Ritun, His name is Ritun” she said

Sometimes we believe our ears are lying, when we don’t hear something what we wanted to. Without asking her to repeat, she reiterated the same line. I understood, my ears were faithful to me, though I was not happy with ears fidelity. I could have felt happy, if my ears would have lied.

I didn’t want to hear extravagant praise of someone, I had no interest in her love tale, but she was really happy and wanted to tell, I didn’t stop her. She went on adding how he met the guy in her cousin’s marriage, how his refined and virtuous behavior attracted her, for an instance I asked myself, “Arpit, are not you decent?”

Above all questions and answers, she was in love and happy. It happened first time I couldn’t feel happy when she was happy. It made me feel like the poorest person on earth. She was my life’s biggest asset, but she was in love, and I knew her beloved would take her away from me. So many questions that left unanswered. She can fall in love, was not anywhere near the spheres of my conviction. The path of surprises comes from the unwritten rules of life. I was living in a sweet dream, but dreams always die seeing the daylight isn’t it?. The next moment I feared about her happiness. If I feel sad and what if this affects her well going life? I feared what if tears dropping from eyes flows out her happiness. I smiled and vowed to be happy because she was happy. I never let her know about my feelings and we were the same friends.

One day she called and cried, her every tear drop was dissolving my existence, but I had nothing in my hands, my hands were also away that could wipe her tear drops. She told me how she had chosen a wrong person, how the person had been ignoring her, how the person refused her. Clouds broke after the heavy downpour, but the hungry soil couldn’t feel happy. Because her sadness made my eyes wet also, and even I felt guilty considering may be because of me all this happened. I told her so many things to make her feel good, but I knew nothing was sufficient to heal a broken heart. I would have preferred to be the tread grapes to make the wine of happiness for her.

After that a habit of caring her cultivated in me, small small things became important that I thought could bring happiness for her. The frequency of my calls increased, we got more closer with gratifying swiftness, slowly slowly things started to become normal, but one thing was not normal, my innocent heart. These consequences drew us more closer, and the point came when I couldn’t stop my feelings.


One day she called me and sadly said, she feels sometimes her life is illfated She feels she has nothing to be loved, no one loves her. The boundaries of my emotions had to break; I muster up the courage and said
“I love you Sheetal, I love you very very much ”
She replied with a love you statement. My heart swigged down the wine of happiness from the cup of life. This was something which had been my dream. My happiness got manifolded hearing those lovely words. After putting down the call, I dreamt of so many things. Life just stopped at her. I wove many new dreams, she and I strolling in meadow, a beautiful house in mist, our bedroom looking like a little apple orchard, a front garden where every sort of wild flower grows, when it becomes dark, the moon shines through shutters, we, holding hands, kissing them affectionately. When night thickens, Queen Moon smiles on us being on her throne clustered around by all her starry fays…..Things went as usual, but we never discussed anything more on love affairs, necessity was not felt.

It was the evening of a valentine’s day, I thought of giving her a surprise and called her to a café. I offered a ring kneeling down on my knees

”Will you marry me, Sheetal?” I said joyously

Her face evinced the perplexity, the silent face swallowed smile of my face in a flash. She asked me to leave with her and drove the car to a park.

“Do you love me?” She asked
“Why are you asking this?” I asked
“Answer me, do you love me?” She asked
“Yes, I do”
“I love you” I said

She couldn’t understand what to say, she blinked many times, and tried to say something but couldn’t utter a single word.

“Well…see… I respect your feelings but my feelings are not the same for you” She said

A stupefying blow to my head…..

I am blessed with a friend like you, but I can never love anyone else. I know the pain of a broken heart, and your heart will break, but no other option is seen by me, I know you are hurt, I can hear the screaming of full throated sorrows, you can hate me, but you know, I love him, and after that I can’t think of love again. “
No it was nothing like she rationalized her lovelessness for me. She had tears in her eyes, and tears are a manifestation of grief. The reason was pretty clear, I was her best friend and she understood my pain. I was frozen like a statue…..

“Do you want me to stay with you, or you would like to be alone for some time.” She asked. I looked at her, my eyes were brimming with tears. Our eyes spoke themselves; they were conversant with the innocent language of eyes. She hugged me and then left, I was in the park, sitting like a statue. Moon went and sun came but I was there. When the security person came and asked me to get up, as a person was waiting to clean the bench. I found, the whole night was spent at the park.

When I reached home, parents had bunch of questions, but seeing my condition, their tongue didn’t turn. I packed my bag and headed to our firm house. Sank in beer, lost my self in smoke. Around a week I slugged in bed all the time, completely away from human faces, confined myself in a room and cocoon. The lone person in the entire world. It was a winter morning and I was in the garden. I saw Sheetal’s green car coming through fogs. She came out of the car and stood in front of me. The happiness on my eyes burned my sombre mood.

“What are you up to?” She asked angrily.
“What I did?” was my innocent reply

She scolded me for coming to firm house, living an unsocial recluse life, at the same time she expressed, how guilty she was feeling for my condition.

“I have a conscience……
“Now pack everything and come with me.” She said

I never refused anything whenever she said something, I came with her, I was taken to a saloon first, got my beards shaved, hairs cut, then she took me to a shopping mall, bought some dresses and I got a complete make over. When I came back from the trial room, putting new clothes, she came running and hugged me tightly
“Well…that’s my friend” she was very happy

Then she took me to temple. I don’t know what she prayed, but I prayed to be with her always. On the temple steps, she asked me to sit beside her.

“I am leaving today” She said
“What” I looked at her making my face a question mark.
“First I get my heart broken, then I broke your heart, now seeing you in pain is just unbearable for me., I want to go away from everything.”
“Will you stay, If I request” I said with trembling lips.
“I got a call from the university also, I am leaving today” She said.
“Where?” I asked
“Chicago” She said

After little happiness again this came as unpleasant surprise. I wanted to pull her, wanted to hold her, but she had to go. My happiness couldn’t rescue from despair.

“Now how is your relation?” Rahul asked
“I don’t know the name of the relation, society decides the limitations and names them, friends, lover husband, wife……” I said
“What exactly you wanted then?”
“I wanted to be with her, every moment of life, when she would smile, I would smile. When she would cry, I would wipe her tear drops. I wanted her to keep talking and I would watch her face sitting mutely. But the social norms are different and human feelings are different. The day a person marries, every other relation stays behind in front of your partner. Society believes marriage gives you the purest relationship on earth, but relations are merely names given to feelings, why do we forget that always?”

“So you mean to say every best friends, if they are of opposite gender should get married?” He asked
“If they have deep feelings for each other, then why not, getting your best friend as your wife is much better than trying to make your wife as best friend. ” I said
“But our etiquette, culture and norms of society….” Rahul asked
“I know you are not completely agreeing with me
Wine and women debauch the young people always, people struggling in keeping promiscuous virtue can never understand there is a holiness of affection to the hearts. Love is like a pastoral eglantine, but hungry generation never understands that, do you know there are seven vows are taken in Hindu marriages” Arpit asked

“Yes I know , there are seven vows bride and groom take together ”
“Can you tell me what’s the last solemn pledge, I mean seventh one?” Arpit asked.
“No idea brother” Rahul said
“The seventh one is, they both vow together to remain best friends for forever. The couple who become best friends in life , succeeds enjoying the married life happily, those who fail becoming best friends of each other, they know how difficult their life is. Even if they don’t express their sorrows but some pains live under their smiles. Then what is wrong by seeing a future with your best friend. Why to make a new friend, why not to continue the existing one.“

“Arpit, I must tell you, you redefined something which people always get confused ” Rahul said
“So you are going to meet Sheetal? ” Rahul asked
“Yes, every year I meet her once, wherever she stays?”

With the thought of seeing her, my heart is filled with joy, it wants to jig, it wants to pirouette, it wants to fly with the wind.

“This is my story, what about you, have you ever loved someone?” Arpit asked
“The answer is no” Rahul said
“How is it possible? You might not have fallen in love, you must have had affairs then” Arpit asked
“Not like affairs, but yes one girl was in love with me.” Rahul said.
“Well…well..so how all that happened” Arpit teased.

“I don’t know her name, I don’t know when she saw me, one day I got a letter to meet her in a café. I didn’t go. Every week she sent me the same letter, after couple of weeks, I realized she loves me and went to meet her. She was pretty, she had everything to make me fall in love with but for me love, affairs, marriage were like alien concepts. I do research, laboratory is my life. In my life I never loved anyone, anything else than science. I respect her feelings but reciprocating her feelings was not in my hands. I knew she left heart broken but I never felt guilty. The reason is unknown to me but I always appear completely unmoved and imperturbable” Rahul said his story

“So you are going for any research work?” Arpit asked
“ No..to meet her” Rahul answered
“So..finally you fell in love han..” Arpit smiled.
“No.., I can never fall in love, but as a human I respect her feelings. She is the one, who loves me on earth more than anybody. I have deep respect for her. ”

“You people are in touch…may be friends” Arpit asked
“No, not like friends…we were not in touch also…one of her friend called me and asked to come, as she is unwell. That’s why I am here.”

“Where is she?” Arpit asked
“Chicago!” Rahul replied

The captain announced, the ship was reaching Chicago in ten minutes. It was a winter evening with fast fading blue sky up and moon was casting her babyish rays.

Both departed with a friendly hug. Arpit’s car stopped at a big building, seemed like a girl’s hostel. He went to room no 314..he knocked the door for sometime but no one responded. One girl from the opposite room came and asked.

“Are you Arpit?”
“Yes, I am…..where is Sheetal?” he asked.

Come with me, I will take you to her. Arpit couldn’t understand what was happening. It was sending pangs of irrational fear creeping up his spine. His face became a land beaded with sweat, bubbles of happiness that were winking at the brim of the heart died with a fulminated blow of strange air.

“Is she ok?”
“Yes she is ok,” The girl said

The wheels stopped at a hospital building, Strange thoughts clung his brain. When the door opened, Arpit’s leg got paralyzed. He couldn’t move his legs.

Sheetal opened her eyes slowly and saw Arpit standing at the door.

“Why are you there? Come near me” she said in a very low voice, with dry lips.

Palsy shakes immobilizing his pegs but entered into, stumbled over a stool kept in the room, and sat near her bed.

The cheerful face was dry and calm. Her voice was shaking.

Arpit held her hands and said
“What happened to you?”

A tear drop trickled from his eyes and fell on her hands

“I am perfectly fine, within a day or two, I will be ready to fight with you.” Her eyes were not supporting her words. How can we forget, eye sees and eye shows.

Doctor called Arpit to come out.

“What happened to her” Arpit asked
“She has brain cancer” Doctor said

It penetrated Arpit’s heart like a bullet. The numbness pains made him paralyzed but he controlled his emotions, the time was not to stumble about, not to break down, it was time to hold things.

“How much life she has?”
“May be a day…or two, may be few hours”

“Does she know?” Arpit asked
Doctor replied she was acquainted with this melancholy truth.

Arpit ran into the room and sat beside her, Sheetal opened her eyes again.

“Don’t believe on doctors, I am ok”
“Yes I know…” Arpit said holding her hands tight.
“Gloom pervaded your life, but I couldn’t struck a match to dispel the darkness,
I couldn’t able to answer your sufferings. “
“Who says so, when you are everything, why should I wish for anything” Arpit said
“I love you very much but I never reciprocated your feelings because of my failed love.”

“I know, I can understand,” Both looked into each other’s eyes
A nurse requested her to take sleeping draft, but Sheetal denied,
An attendant came and asked her permission to let someone in and she permitted

As Arpit moved his eyes, he couldn’t believe., he was the same person whom he met in the ship.
“Why are you here?” Sheetal asked
Rahul wept his tear drops and sat next side of Sheetal. She was lying on the hospital bed, she had one person sitting beside her, who loves her so much and the other side the person was sitting whom she loves. Sheetal couldn’t love Arpit, Rahul couldn’t accept Sheetal. Though every body respected other’s feelings.

“Do you hate me?” Rahul asked.
“No..I love you” Sheetal said
“I know, I always respect your feelings., your friend called me and informed about your ill health, I couldn’t stop myself, I came to see you” He said
“I hope you understand my feelings” Rahul added
“Yes, I understand you, I had no complains nor I have anything now.” She said
“Meet my friend Arpit, ” Sheetal pointed and both shook their hands as if meeting for the first time.
“I already met this person, but now I came to know his love is Sheetal. You are very lucky, you have someone, who loves you so much.”
“The most mysterious feeling is love, nobody ever succeeded to fathom out, how it comes, how it goes? I never understood why I couldn’t love him and why I couldn’t stop loving you?” She said

Sheetal’s eye turned blue….She found it difficult to breath.

“I am not able to see anything…where are you Arpit”
“I am here Sheetal, with you..” He held her hands tightly, they recalled their childhood days, how they were enjoying their time, slowly slowly the consequences of youth were cited, Rahul saw them flying with viewless wings of poesy.

“I love you Arpit”

It seemed as if Sheetal’s breath asking Arpit to embrace her, asking to hold her in his eyes forever, Her heart beats retarded, she gasped heavily and then her tender breath was not heard.

Sheetal closed her eyes.

An eternal silence spread all over the room.

A tempest swept over the island of his life and in a blink all his life’s happiness blown out. Sometimes life laughs unpleasantly at his own jest. Even if you are not laughing.Arpit cried like a child, holding Sheetal’s hand. A murmurous haunt for happiness ended in bedwed with sorrows. He never rescued from the fate’s darkling glance. Midnight pain never ceased. He knew what he had lost. Rahul was silent, watching them mutely. He could feel the heartache of a lover seeing his love dead. He went to Arpit and put hands on his shoulder.

“She loves you…” Rahul said and left the place.

Arpit was languished, the next morrow had nothing for him, as today Sheetal left. High requiem could be heard.

Sometimes brain never understands, heart never able to decide, when our breath never understands whom to inhale and whom to exhale. But our last breath says the name of our beloved.

Sheetal’s last breath passed saying, whom she loves.

When your breath knows there is a tomorrow, it may not speak the truth, but the last breath knows there won’t be anything after that, so it speaks the truth always.

Still I pine for Sheetal" Arpit’s breath spoke.

“Come back…come back “ Arpit’s heart beckoned, his breath beckoned
Arpit made his last forlorn attempt to breathe, but the sad heart of ruth stopped beating and the voyage started on perilous sea of love ended.


- Biswajit Sundara

New Smile on Old Lips

You meet them somewhere or other, sooner or later, if you are destined to meet.

“Say something nice na…” Deepika said putting the coffee cup down.

“I just realized, you are very beautiful” I said

“Wizened face seems you beautiful, lier…”

“I don’t lie, do I ?”

“Yes always..” She giggled, the sound that is most lovable to me.

Her eyes looked old, but the way she used to look was same, lips were dry but the same smile was floating departing two fleshy folds. Though the skin was wrinkled, She was gleaming.With a glowing yellow aura surrounding her head, she was depicting the presence of a celestial being and mingling notes of ethereal melodies into the quiet atmosphere.

“So”
“So” we spoke overlapped.

Seeing each other we smiled with a renewed vigor. It bestowed on me a glimmer of strength, old bones recalled the days when fountain of youth was showering our lives.

“I never expected this form you”

“What I did?” she said in a very infantile voice.

She was a model of polite restraint. Her style had been very innocent and naïve. Whenever I would get a reason to complain her, she would speak with such innocence, that all my anger get reduced to zero. This behavior endeared her to me.

“You found it difficult to recognize me”

“I was little confused, clouds of three decades befogged the land of reminiscence.”

A breeze wafted through the door and passed caressing her hairs. They look more beautiful when they arrange their hairs. She raked her fingers through her hair and asked me the question for which I had no answer.

“Why didn’t you come to my nuptial ceremony?”

“I can’t remember what had happened”

“Can it be possible?”

“What?”

“That you don’t remember about that day?”

“How is Adi, does he still worship God?, crazy like.”

“Don’t call him crazy” her voice was soft, clear, and gaze was fixed on the road, that was seeable through coffee shop’s transparent glass.

“I know, I know…you like this craziness. In fact you fell in love seeing his devotion to God right ! ”

“Why to talk over my life only, time has come to address your life.”

“About me, good question”

“I was born with a paper, At the age when no one knows writing, I spent all my time watching that, when I learnt writing, I tried writing on it but couldn’t succeed, One day I asked God, he said ” It’s meant to read not to write, when your soul will be satisfied with any worldly thing then it will appear automatically on this paper, The day you get the paper filled, understand that you have found everything you deserved."
"Unfortunately, the paper is still blank”

“Where is that paper?” she asked making her face very serious

I tore a part of tissue paper and gave her

We both laughed out loud.

When she was a woman of jovial nature. The atmosphere had to be convivial. Her presence was conveying an aura of elegance and gentility.

“Life would have blossomed flowers of different colors with her jocund company” a thought gleamed in my mind.

“How about your espoused life?” she asked
“She answered the last call, leaving me with two off springs”
“You mean twins”
“Yes”

She could have said how bad she felt, knowing my wife’s death. But she didn’t do, because our relationship stands on very clear and honest thoughts. We never try to please one another, but at the end we are pleased. Colors of relation never fade out if people believe in doing things rather showing things.

“Didn’t you tie the knot with someone else?”
“Bringing stepmother for my own blood was difficult thought to deal with.”
“I must salute, for how you took care of both Children”
“It’s no big deal, life teaches when you need anything from it”
“How many children you have”
“One girl”

The waiter arrived with two cup coffees. The sweet odor of fresh brewed coffee, and her sweeter smile had everything to make my heart young.

“How Adi as a partner?”
“Not so good”
“Why? What he did?”
“One day he called from office, and told me he is not happy with anything. I consoled him saying positive things, he hung up abruptly.”
“I waited him, sitting alone with my small baby sleeping beside me, but he never came back. Later I heard from people, he was seen near Himalayas wearing saint like clothes among tonsured monks. ”

“I don’t understand what to say? This is really sensitive, better if we not discuss”“
I never discuss him with any body, I could have lied presenting a happy picture infront of you, but lying you doesn’t make any sense because I know your heart will not laugh on my stupid decision that has engraved lines of pain in my heart ”
I held her hands with mine and looked her eyes.
“what are you looking at?”

“I am surprised, your eyes are not wet. I remember the girl shedding tears on small small things”

Her eyes were glistening but this is how we should deal with.

“You have become strong” I added

“Pains are heavier than every other thing that makes up this cosmos. When pain dwells in your heart prolonging the agony, it increases the containing capacity, when goes away this leaves you with more capacity in heart, the good side of this is you get the ability to hold more pains in heart, and the bad side is you need more happiness to get your heart filled.”

“Philosophy !! great”
“Yes my taste of books has been changed ”
“Wow! What about your detective novels”
“Actually, you were right”
“In what way”

“You used to give lectures on philosophy, remember!!
We are not blind without knowing philosophy
Yes we have eyes and we know what to see
But we don’t know how to see, and how to enjoy seeing
Philosophy never teaches, it guides, To live a life of reason we seek knowledge of existence, values of mind and the understanding of the language of universe ” she said animating her hands as I used to do some years back.
“You were true, I agree with you” She added.

“I am seeing a mixed version of you”

“What do you mean, Mr?”

“Some of you have changed, and some haven’t”

Every day things change in this world, so we are. You are seeing thirty springs change on me, if you were with me, then you wouldn’t have felt this because we change with people everyday.
“It seems you have mastered in philosophy”“

Why you were not with me, when I needed you,” she looked at my eyes, and put her hands on my hands, eyes were complaining and asking me so many questions
My fist tightened in reflex, her soft hands hid in my hands, and our hands locked. A small drop of tear dropped from her eye.
She threw my hand to air

“Where were you breaking all the contacts, you just lost”
God is the savior,
A school bus passed by the road, small kids seen donning school uniforms, some were seen licking ice creams, some were punching one another and some waving their hands and showing tiny teeth to us.

A few wispy memories of childhood flashed into my consciousness.
“You remember our school days”“

Of course not, who remembers things from that time ”

“What ? you don’t remember” a bit of anger in my voice.“

Yeah baba…., I do remember”

“Those math classes”
“Those poetry classes”
“Those History classes”“

You remember all the subject names”
“No”
“and our teachers”

“Not all but yes, I remember your brother teaching us poetry, what live like explanation, what voice, when I recall those words, my blood gets stirred” I said
“what about your brother?”

“He has grown older than me”

“I still remember those days, emptying your tiffin boxes without your knowledge. ”
“It was fun, we had a great time”

“Yes of course, I always miss those days. ”
“Why life does not remain simple”
“Life is simple, if you understand it. It seems complicated where you don’t understand it.”
Because we never get a chance to talk with our own life, people around us talk to our life, and we always listen from it. We have one thing in our hand, whom to choose to talk with our life.

“What’s the best solution for this”
“When second self of you is chosen to talk with your life, then life behaves as it has to”

“How do you know so much about life”
“Because I have been living different lives”
“Sometimes I don’t understand you”
“May be because, I always understand you”
“You haven’t changed a bit, same philosophical sound”
“What are you? If you are changed” I said animatedly

“What about your novel, did you get that published?”
“No, IT world drank all my pen’s ink”“
What about your painting”
“IT world dried all my colors” She said

We both laughed. Two ancient hearts swayed in merriment.

“What we did in our life?”
“We spent our life by dreaming , sometimes for our family, sometimes for us but never tried to put a step forward”

“We always criticize our ancestors for living same monotonous life, but we do the same thing, and give a reason to our predecessors to laugh at us.”

“Actually the path of dream is very slippery, to run on the path we need some one who knows when to stand before us, when to hold our hands.”

“By the way it was you, who had lost”
“Yes, but I had to”“

Why!!! When didn’t I understand you?”
“No, Nothing because of you”
“Then…”
“It’s a strange consequence”
“For these years, I have been trying to find out, why you disappeared from my life from the day of my marriage”

“March 23, 1980”
I was in deep sleep, my cell phone rang continuously, when I picked up the call, your brother was at the other end. He asked me to meet him immediately. I thought he had some work regarding your marriage. Marriages are known for different arrangements.

“There is a thick friendship between you and my sister right?” your brother asked
“yes, everybody knows that” I replied
“but everybody doesn’t know you stealthily love her”
“how can you say that?”
“Because I have read your email”

It surprised me, how come Deepika’s brother got to read my e-mail which was sent specially to her.

“Have you hacked your sister’s e-mail account”“
I am a school teacher, do I know hacking?”
“Ok…Ok…. I have sent, but does it say I love her ”
“Not exactly, but the words are screamingly saying about your feelings”
“Now you are manipulating things”

“I am a poet, I know which word comes from which lane of heart”
“Meet my eyes and say you don’t love her” he added
“What if I do?”
“I want you to disappear from her life”
“That’s great! How can you decide some one else’s life”
“She is related to me, I am concerned about her happiness”
“Don’t I?”

“I don’t know and don’t want to know”
All that I know is you have feelings for her, if you stay in her life, One day your feelings will come crossing all boundaries, and it will ruin the happy life of my sister.

“I assure you no such things are going to happen”
“You can’t be trusted on this”
“Every one said the same and everyone did the other”
“What if I disobey you?” A protest in my voice
We both felt silent for a while, your brother’s eye got wet, tears rolled down, he folded his hands and requested me to go away.

It was very difficult to take any decision, my teacher was standing in front of me with folded hands, and the demand was my life’s happiness. The massive power of loss made my legs paralyzed, but I had to walk out.

I forced myself to believe “Relations are made to be broken,”

I sacrificed my happiness, and never showed my face to any one known to you.
In these years I read a lot to know as much I could about friendship and love.

A tear trickled from the corner of her eye, moistening the callused cheek beneath.
“I am shocked !” Deepika said
“But I didn’t understand, how your brother got to read my e-mails”
“ I was little busy for my impending wedding, so I had asked brother to scan my mails”

“Do you love me?” she asked
“Of course I do”

“Hmmm….. you never told me”
“Yes I love you, but don’t bring the definition from spicy movies or cheap novels.”
“Then you define”
“Loving somebody doesn’t mean owning,
It’s not an unique feeling, but it has unique style
Because everybody has this feeling but the style of expression differs”
“When opposite sexes meet, they search out a suitable nest and excavate a small nuptial chamber to start a new colony, this is how it goes and this is how it will go, no body thinks out of the colony.”

“Not very clear”

“Our body contains part of the divine sources, when these parts see similar kind of things in another body, a blissful feeling comes into picture. We come to understand each other, basically we feel for each other, that’s love. It doesn’t mean staying under one roof and bringing children to the earth. Love is not enjoying one another, it’s meant to enjoy together, every moment of life”

“I agree” she said smiling

“I know you will, after all our thoughts are alike, our dreams are alike, though we are not same, but we are similar”

“And these similar objects distanced so many years because of your silly decision” she teased me

“It was not mine,….”I said with trembling lips

“Why to discuss past,
bygones are bygones
let’s go” she interrupted me

We both came out from the café, I felt something in my hand, when I opened, it was the same tiny tissue paper, It had a line written

“Deepika Loves you”

When I moved my eyes, my heart beat just stopped, her eyes were fixed on me, and from the other side, a bus came in light speed and crushed her. I was speechless seeing her untouchable by the charabanc. The bus just passed through her body.

She looked at me and we both laughed and laughed and laughed.

A gust of wind blasted against the coffee shop, slamming the door shut with a loud noise. Moon was shining in all it’s harvest glory. Moonlight gave us a lurid luminance, and we disappeared.

“Some relations never speak their own holiness”
-Biswajit Sundara

Wisdom of Happiness

We, all the living human inhabitants of the earth possess superior intelligence and human attributes. More or less everybody makes wrong usage of the Organ of sight. Sometimes we see something and perceive a different visual. This throws us into a state of disarray. Things get worse when comparison has been made. Identifying similarities and differences is a human attribute, and this is the source of our unhappiness.

“How is she, doc?”
I asked wiping some tear drops around my eyes. The reply was a diplomatic professional one. Some years back doctors were not considered as professionals, they were called as life saviors. Today the scenario is completely different. These white coat professionals are skilled in dealing with sensitive matters and people. They are immune to criticism. They not only charge for the impairment of health, a huge amount is charged for your fear for life. A sensation of acute pain rushed into my whole body. The brain started revolving quickly and repeatedly around it’s own axis. Being unable to control my movements, I sat aghast on a chair with help of the doc. When your wife’s life oscillates between two uncertain states endure and last and doc says such things then you will feel the same won’t you?
My wife was in intensive care. Though the hospital enjoys a good reputation in the market claiming they monitor patients very closely and they have most advanced life-saving equipments. But when your loved one is inside the glass chamber, then you can’t trust on any machine or any white-coat professional. Some vivid memories grew like a tree on the land of my memory.

My professional life starts from Chennai. Everything was new to me, the place, the food and the language. Providing accommodation was out of my organization’s policy. People who know Chennai, they can understand how difficult it is to get a house for rent, especially if you are a bachelor. The consequences had been making me frustrated; expenses were flowing by staying in Lodge and having food outside. Whoever came to my sight I asked for house-rent. It was a rainy day…rain in Chennai is a horrible experience always. I don’t understand what the Government has been doing. It was the worst drainage system I had ever seen. I was coming in auto… and suddenly it started to rain, by seeing my new umbrella I relaxed myself, in fact I was returning to lodge after buying an umbrella. As we came out from the auto, I found one mid-aged person having trouble with the uncertain unnoticed rain. Without asking him I spread the umbrella over his head. He looked at me, but said nothing, after some time when he said something I understood nothing. Sometimes I felt like an alien there, It doesn’t matter whether you are one from them whoever around you or not. It does matter whether they make you feel that you are one of them or not. It’s all about mindsets. A person who can’t speak your language does not make him different from you. Because the super set is the language of humanity and that is understandable by all. Thank god he knew Hindi and thanks to him as he guessed I know Hindi… ‘Kahan se ho?’ It was very pleasing for my ears as this was the first Hindi word my ears received after two months. Before then I was in my home town. Me and my umbrella escorted uncle to his house. He invited me for a cup of coffee that I was desperately wanted; I was almost wet sharing the space with uncle. We were in uncle’s drawing room. As the conversation grew I came to know he was a homeopathic doctor who gives small sugar balls to every patient. I was served some snacks that were not seemed like eatables, so I satisfied myself with sugarless coffee. Definitely I hadn’t any sugar problem, uncle might had or out of stock sugar problem. As uncle came to know my accommodation problem, he discussed something with his wife and forwarded a helping hand. He allowed me to take a room on his terrace. The warm gesture and the sweet news made the coffee sweet and more delicious.


The room was small but was decorated nicely. When I entered into it, I couldn’t stop admiring the work behind that. It was aesthetically pleasing. Uncle told it was his daughter who deserved the appreciation. I was well aware of the fact that in Chennai people never let bachelors pass near their house if they have an unmarried daughter. It was surprising for me how he let me stay with them. I didn’t dare to ask.


Next day when I came to my room, saw a girl standing at the door. She was fair and wearing a yellow silk saree with reddish effect. She looked like an ice cube environing fire flares, the damsel came near and asked
“So you are the occupant of my place” her voice was very pleasing to the ears. Though it was indicating a forthcoming problem, but I felt happy seeing her. She had something, don’t know what?

“I will leave soon don’t worry” I didn’t want to make her upset by any means.

“No need, I have heard your comments from dad, you can stay as long as you want”

I checked with uncle, he updated me that his daughter Archana used to stay with her maternal uncle and his sudden transfer brought her back home. He gave me some time to search another room. It was his humanity I must say. The same problem captured me again. As days passed by I mingled with the family so well that they forgot , I was the tenant. Archana and I got along very well. She used to help me always. When auto driver would charge me some unconventional fare, she would fight with them, when I would get confused with stuff names she would help me to buy them.
I completed one year with them and then my transfer letter was posted from the head office. From the very beginning I desperately wanted relocation, but by that time when I received, it didn’t excite me. The separation from Radhakrishnan family was not easy for me. When you want go away from something, you don’t get the opportunity and feel sad. When the opportunity comes you don’t want to go and feel sad. Because during the two situations the thing makes you it’s own.

“Hey what’s up?” Archana asked roaming aimlessly in the terrace.
I didn’t say anything. She figured out something was wrong
“Is everything ok?” she asked again
I handed over the letter and said nothing.
After reading the letter, though I felt she didn’t feel happy either but consoled me saying
“What’s wrong with you, you wanted this right?”
“yes but now I am in love” I said
“with Chennai no….I know Chennai is a place you can’t stop yourself falling in love”
“No” I said looking straight into her eyes.
“Then” She looked at me surprisingly
“with you” I said it finally.
“Aiyo………” the best ‘aiyo’ I had ever heard and the sweetest word I had ever felt.
We looked each other for a while. Eye balls didn’t move, eye lids didn’t fall. Though every body has the same eye structure but the one of your beloved looks the most beautiful.
“do you love me?” I asked her
Guessing something and confirming that , are two very different things. Sensible matters need to be confirmed. I could see her feelings in her eyes but wanted to hear from her. I admire God always, the way he designed us is just inexplicable. We think he gave us eyes to see the world. But the world can see us through our eyes.
“Ask father?” she said putting her eyes down
“what!!! ” I was about to pull her towards me, she ran away,
The rhythmic anklet tune could have beaten AR Rahman’s tune that’s for sure.
“Are you leaving?” Uncle asked
“yes and I want something to take with me” I said
“of course Son, what’s it? We will gift you that thing.”
Sometimes people make promise without knowing the worth.
“I want to take Chennai with me”
“what??” he laughed thinking I cracked a joke to make my farewell more lighter. Definitely I didn’t.
Archana was no where in the scene. She was busy preparing food for us. But her ears were with us. I could see that. It was my last supper at Radhakrishnan residence.
“ok son tell me how you want to take Chennai with you”
“I want your daughter’s hand.”
Everything got paused for a while. An awkward silence spread all over the room. We exchanged some glances with each other. Uncle broke the silence finally
“With pleasure son, I liked you from the first day , but….?”
Why the word but is created, it is the culprit in every matter.
I had to wait for uncle why he used but, at the end of such a pleasing line.
The same old drama, how a south Indian girl will be welcomed by north Indian community etc. Forget about Religious thing, it’s a fatherly concern they need to raise something. After all it was about the life of his only daughter. But uncle was sweet, he had some impact of sugar balls selling them daily. With little effort he convinced finally and I tied the knot with my beloved Archana.

We moved to my hometown Bhubaneswar. With Archana a new life started that was gay, brisk and debonair. We were counted as a happy couple everywhere. But I made a mistake after that. There was an old saying life gets settled after having job, wife and a home. I had two of them, so managed to buy a new flat investing all my savings. I felt very happy being settled down completely. Mr Khote was my neighbour and her wife more specifically Priyanka Khote was an angel. My wife Archana is very beautiful but it doesn’t mean that no body has more beauty than her. I would say it was very difficult to say who was at top beating other one. A healthy rivalry grew between them with no time. History is the witness how beauties fought with each other in the past. Mr Khote was a software engineer and capable of pulling a whooping amount at the end of each month. There was no comparison between his standard of living and mine. There was no comparison between a software engineer and mechanical engineer either. Software people are always accused of creating economical imbalance in social context, and it’s true. Archana was the sweetest gift given by life. My first priority had been always her happiness but… I already told you how much I hate the word ‘but’. Mrs Khote was of showy nature, she used to show off their rich life in front of my simple innocent wife. She ignored sometimes but there were some instances when I found her hurt. The balm for that wound was very costly. Archana never demanded but her unspoken words were hearable for a loving husband like me. It was not in my hand to control the consequences
“I want a solitaire necklace” it was her first demand but I had to console her saying different things but nothing soothed her pain. She wanted a costlier one than the one hanging in Priyanka’s neck. It was beyond my capacity to fulfill her childish demand. The time might had decided to go against me. She kept reiterating the same thing. I became frustrated with the unpleasing consequences and left all things over to the almighty, I couldn’t understand what to do? And she got a heart stroke. I can understand how acute her pain was but she should have understood what pain I felt seeing her like that.


My foot steps headed to Mr Khote’s flat. As I expected Priyanka opened the door.

“Mr. Khote is out of station” she said seeing me first time at their door.
“I want to have a word with you, can I get in?” I asked
“Oh.. please come” was her reply

She went inside asking me to wait for a while. I scanned the interior, each object boasting about itself. Lots of money had spent on each and every corner. Mrs Khote was enjoying Kashmiri Apples before my arrival, so near the bowl a long sharp knife was lying, I picked that one and thought to kill Mrs. Khote, a fire was burning inside me, because of this lady my green full life dried and had become a desert. I justified my thought that it would be best if I end the consequences there. Seeing her coming with two diet coke cans, I hid the knife behind my back. The chilled carbonated drink flavored with Kola nut extracts was not sufficient to extinguish the burning anger.

“So what brings you here?” she asked as if nothing had happened.
“It is below my dignity to possess such thought but I want to kill you ” I said
“If you entertain such thought then you must have a strong reason for that” she said flashing a smile.
It was just opposite what I expected
“Because of you my wife is in ICU, what else you expect in return” I was not cool at all
“I feel sorry about this but I am not solely responsible for everything, I never wanted whatever happened in your life” this sounded like a lame excuse to escape, It didn’t satisfy me

I was not that type of person who can take life of someone. I couldn’t understand what to say and how to say? I burst into tears and prepared to leave. She looked at me blankly, when I reached the door
“Read it…”she handed me a letter

I started reading the letter in one hand while whirling the steering with other hand.

“When your family came to neighborhood, I first saw your wife in the terrace, she looked really pretty and her eyes were filled with joy. When we started chatting she kept on going how happy you people were, she had her happiness to show but I hadn’t. The only thing I have is some costliest objects in my life nothing else. Though this is not the fact I showed that I am happy with my possessions. Same thing got repeated in our successive meetings. I never tried to underestimate your wife nor tried to show off anything. I don’t know how all this happened and what should I say to you. My husband doesn’t have time for me, he always acts like an ATM machine, I have the pin number of wife and the machine dispenses cash always. He tries to buy happiness in the form of expensive gifts but they have only lengthy price tags, it never gives any pleasure. I showed off to hide my pain but a wrong message communicated to your wife. I am not that much bad as you people think. You have a very beautiful wife and she has a very loving husband too and together you are a wonderful couple. I wish for the earliest recovery of your wife. You both forgive me for which you both went through. -Priyanka “

I turned the back. “You are a good hearted person and I would like to have my relations with you. If you ever feel like keeping a secret extra-marital affair then my doors are always open for you. May be the love that I deserve from my husband, I can get from you. ” just kidding the back of the letter was completely blank.
I appreciated my decision for dropping the idea to kill her. By that time I reached the hospital entrance.

After reading the letter Archana felt guilty for being childish but she hadn’t to Can we say whose fault was there? No it’s just a matter to have faith on your own happiness. She asked me sorry in a crying voice, and I took her in my arms. We lost in the embrace for eternity. Archana didn’t find another chance to see Priyanka. They had left permanently before our arrival. Priyanka may not be a great lady but she was not bad. But my wife is great and very good.

“Don’t let jealousy touch you seeing happiness in your neighborhood, you may have the real happiness and your neighbor might have an imitated one.”
Trust in your happiness,
if you feel happy, then believe you are happy.

Soul Mate

My dawn starts hoping our meeting

Heart knows you but not knows where you can be found

Sun sees my conscientious search of you

And my strange request him not to disappear before our union

He says the spark of love is so bright, brighter than him

I have been living with the hope of meeting you

Though it interrupts my search when the world’s consciousness gets suspended

But I never let my search to die

My quest lives in the house of peace and tranquility

Expectations believe in utmost possibility

For years I have never been in dreamless slumber

With boundless imagination, I dream of you, I dream with you

Diurnal rhythms of love give me courage

I have heard of you from not known divine forces

It says our thoughts are alike, the dreams are alike

The source of my happiness is thoughts of yours "

I have faith on the divine forces of love.

The quest will end one day

Spaces will be reduced and you will come to visibility

I am thrilled with the thought of our union

The soul of mine is waiting for its mate

Omens are saying you have started your journey

I could see shadow of yours

Get transformed from the shadow, give a face to my imagination

Appear before me before I close my eyes

The law of universe wants us together

Wants us to be lost in the heavenly embrace to eternity

I Hope you are listening my soul mate