The first breath starts with a cry always and the journey between first and last writes the destiny of the concluding breath, whether it will end with a smile or with a cry. We never know whose name our last breath will utter, yes it calls out the name, but the strangest feature of the terminus point is before realizing whose name it said, consciousness bridges to unconsciousness taking our body to an eternal stillness. It recalls the name of our beloved. Sometimes whom our brain never accepted, whom our heart never recognized and sometimes to whom our lips never said yes to. The heart yearns too but drowsy feelings never succeed to wake up sometimes, sometimes who came in your dream but you never noticed him. In an attempt to see the someone of your dream, you forget the someone of your breath sometimes.
Beneath the wide blue sky, Arpit was busy doing something sinking in thoughts. Random motion of puffy clouds was creating an illusion of snowfall on sky. A stranger appeared and asked Arpit to let him sit. Taking a brief pause, his eye balls moved and saw all other tables were occupied; he pointed to a chair near him and resumed his work.
“I am Rahul” The stranger said.
“Arpit” Both shook their hands.
“What’s being written in earnest?” Rahul asked
“Giving face to life’s nothingness” Arpit replied.
He sounded like a poet, upon Rahul’s request Arpit forwarded a small paper where few lines were written in a dark pencil. The lines forced Rahul to close his eyes for a second and to open them with a smile. He admired the lines and looked Arpit with eyes manifesting veneration. The leaden conversation got some liveliness; they had a friendly chat for sometime to know each other. Interrupting the conversation Rahul asked Arpit to come with him,
Two persons standing at the bow of a fast moving ship, the wind was blowing in a mad pace. The sun was sinking in the ocean casting orange shades on the blue sky, the ocean water was glittering like blue diamonds; the scene was aesthetically pleasing to the eyes.
“See the ocean water ” Rahul raised his hands to point.
“Blue drops of life, and the sky of happiness meeting at the horizon of hope. ” Arpit said
“Do you know what I see” Rahul asked
“What?” Arpit asked
“I see only water, the scientific structure of sea water, we are same, our eyes have same biological structure but we see differently”
“I agree…..” Smiled Arpit.
They both walked around the ship, in a friendly chat
Some days after……
“So how is this morning?” Rahul asked
“Mornings are always nice” Arpit answered with a smile
Both raised their coffee cup
Rahul asked him the purpose of visiting Chicago and Arpit answered the purpose was to meet someone
“Seems someone very special” Rahul asked
“Yes she is…” Arpit’s voice softened
“So you love her…right!!” Rahul asked
“… what did you say?” Arpit drawn back to the present world
“She is the someone you love right !” Rahul repeated
“Yes…”
Arpit got up from the chair and disappeared somewhere among the crowd.
Rahul couldn’t figure out what went wrong. He searched him every where and finally found at a corner of the ship.
“Are you ok….my friend” Rahul asked
“Yes I am fine” Arpit got up and started walking with him.
Rahul inquired the reason behind the strange behavior and Arpit answered politely, his tears are shy and they are his very own.
Rahul understood something serious had buried in an innocent heart. It was his thought , a great love story , boyfriend accomplishing journey to meet his beloved. Suddenly everything seemed different.
Rahul requested Arpit to introduce to his deep delved earth. Arpit looked at him for few seconds. They had reached the same table they were at. The waiter was asked to bring two more coffees.
Arpit verbalized the consequences of a sun burnt mirth…..
Sheetal!!….. The name is something that has been a reference to my happiness and my muse.What to describe about a person who had all her features noteworthy. Shiny auburn hair and lustrous eyes, lovely lopsided grin, her beauty doesn’t rely on any word to be described, it can be said the word beautiful relies on her to get represented. We were childhood pals, sharing a harmonious friendly relationship always. I never understood what attracted me to her always. When she was around, I could feel some kind of spell is overcoming me. After our school, colleges became different, it was nothing good to feel for both of us, but had to move with time, when I entered into college, I always expected the seat next to me would be occupied by her but it never happened. She was a shadow like before my eyes, every heart beat would seem like she raps on my heart. When I was seeing at my hands, there I would see a face etched. When the cold breeze would pass, I could feel her silken breath brushing my cheeks. In college, my eyes saw boys and girls roaming together, spending time in parks. Soon I came to know the feeling’s name was Love. Sometimes life accentuates something that you never thought of. When shall I express? I didn’t know, of fear of loosing her my wings were clipped. It was a guess by me that might be we both had same feelings for one another. I assured myself saying, she was aware of this, but never expressed after all dreams and desires are slaves to circumstances. By that time, our graduation was finished and final result was awaited.
One day she called me…..
“I want to say something” she said
“But don’t know how?” she added
My heart beat raced, galloped like a horse, this is what I wanted to hear, this is what I wanted to say.
“You can tell me, anything, right away” I said controlling my emotions.
“Can you believe, I am in love” she was very excited.
“Really…who is the lucky one”
My heart was expecting the name ‘Arpit’ with the very thought of this, I was in ecstasy. But mankind never understood the enigmatic smile of love, how could I be? Below the horizon of happiness there was a ray of suspicion.
“Ritun, His name is Ritun” she said
Sometimes we believe our ears are lying, when we don’t hear something what we wanted to. Without asking her to repeat, she reiterated the same line. I understood, my ears were faithful to me, though I was not happy with ears fidelity. I could have felt happy, if my ears would have lied.
I didn’t want to hear extravagant praise of someone, I had no interest in her love tale, but she was really happy and wanted to tell, I didn’t stop her. She went on adding how he met the guy in her cousin’s marriage, how his refined and virtuous behavior attracted her, for an instance I asked myself, “Arpit, are not you decent?”
Above all questions and answers, she was in love and happy. It happened first time I couldn’t feel happy when she was happy. It made me feel like the poorest person on earth. She was my life’s biggest asset, but she was in love, and I knew her beloved would take her away from me. So many questions that left unanswered. She can fall in love, was not anywhere near the spheres of my conviction. The path of surprises comes from the unwritten rules of life. I was living in a sweet dream, but dreams always die seeing the daylight isn’t it?. The next moment I feared about her happiness. If I feel sad and what if this affects her well going life? I feared what if tears dropping from eyes flows out her happiness. I smiled and vowed to be happy because she was happy. I never let her know about my feelings and we were the same friends.
One day she called and cried, her every tear drop was dissolving my existence, but I had nothing in my hands, my hands were also away that could wipe her tear drops. She told me how she had chosen a wrong person, how the person had been ignoring her, how the person refused her. Clouds broke after the heavy downpour, but the hungry soil couldn’t feel happy. Because her sadness made my eyes wet also, and even I felt guilty considering may be because of me all this happened. I told her so many things to make her feel good, but I knew nothing was sufficient to heal a broken heart. I would have preferred to be the tread grapes to make the wine of happiness for her.
After that a habit of caring her cultivated in me, small small things became important that I thought could bring happiness for her. The frequency of my calls increased, we got more closer with gratifying swiftness, slowly slowly things started to become normal, but one thing was not normal, my innocent heart. These consequences drew us more closer, and the point came when I couldn’t stop my feelings.
One day she called me and sadly said, she feels sometimes her life is illfated She feels she has nothing to be loved, no one loves her. The boundaries of my emotions had to break; I muster up the courage and said
“I love you Sheetal, I love you very very much ”
She replied with a love you statement. My heart swigged down the wine of happiness from the cup of life. This was something which had been my dream. My happiness got manifolded hearing those lovely words. After putting down the call, I dreamt of so many things. Life just stopped at her. I wove many new dreams, she and I strolling in meadow, a beautiful house in mist, our bedroom looking like a little apple orchard, a front garden where every sort of wild flower grows, when it becomes dark, the moon shines through shutters, we, holding hands, kissing them affectionately. When night thickens, Queen Moon smiles on us being on her throne clustered around by all her starry fays…..Things went as usual, but we never discussed anything more on love affairs, necessity was not felt.
It was the evening of a valentine’s day, I thought of giving her a surprise and called her to a café. I offered a ring kneeling down on my knees
”Will you marry me, Sheetal?” I said joyously
Her face evinced the perplexity, the silent face swallowed smile of my face in a flash. She asked me to leave with her and drove the car to a park.
“Do you love me?” She asked
“Why are you asking this?” I asked
“Answer me, do you love me?” She asked
“Yes, I do”
“I love you” I said
She couldn’t understand what to say, she blinked many times, and tried to say something but couldn’t utter a single word.
“Well…see… I respect your feelings but my feelings are not the same for you” She said
A stupefying blow to my head…..
I am blessed with a friend like you, but I can never love anyone else. I know the pain of a broken heart, and your heart will break, but no other option is seen by me, I know you are hurt, I can hear the screaming of full throated sorrows, you can hate me, but you know, I love him, and after that I can’t think of love again. “
No it was nothing like she rationalized her lovelessness for me. She had tears in her eyes, and tears are a manifestation of grief. The reason was pretty clear, I was her best friend and she understood my pain. I was frozen like a statue…..
“Do you want me to stay with you, or you would like to be alone for some time.” She asked. I looked at her, my eyes were brimming with tears. Our eyes spoke themselves; they were conversant with the innocent language of eyes. She hugged me and then left, I was in the park, sitting like a statue. Moon went and sun came but I was there. When the security person came and asked me to get up, as a person was waiting to clean the bench. I found, the whole night was spent at the park.
When I reached home, parents had bunch of questions, but seeing my condition, their tongue didn’t turn. I packed my bag and headed to our firm house. Sank in beer, lost my self in smoke. Around a week I slugged in bed all the time, completely away from human faces, confined myself in a room and cocoon. The lone person in the entire world. It was a winter morning and I was in the garden. I saw Sheetal’s green car coming through fogs. She came out of the car and stood in front of me. The happiness on my eyes burned my sombre mood.
“What are you up to?” She asked angrily.
“What I did?” was my innocent reply
She scolded me for coming to firm house, living an unsocial recluse life, at the same time she expressed, how guilty she was feeling for my condition.
“I have a conscience……
“Now pack everything and come with me.” She said
I never refused anything whenever she said something, I came with her, I was taken to a saloon first, got my beards shaved, hairs cut, then she took me to a shopping mall, bought some dresses and I got a complete make over. When I came back from the trial room, putting new clothes, she came running and hugged me tightly
“Well…that’s my friend” she was very happy
Then she took me to temple. I don’t know what she prayed, but I prayed to be with her always. On the temple steps, she asked me to sit beside her.
“I am leaving today” She said
“What” I looked at her making my face a question mark.
“First I get my heart broken, then I broke your heart, now seeing you in pain is just unbearable for me., I want to go away from everything.”
“Will you stay, If I request” I said with trembling lips.
“I got a call from the university also, I am leaving today” She said.
“Where?” I asked
“Chicago” She said
After little happiness again this came as unpleasant surprise. I wanted to pull her, wanted to hold her, but she had to go. My happiness couldn’t rescue from despair.
“Now how is your relation?” Rahul asked
“I don’t know the name of the relation, society decides the limitations and names them, friends, lover husband, wife……” I said
“What exactly you wanted then?”
“I wanted to be with her, every moment of life, when she would smile, I would smile. When she would cry, I would wipe her tear drops. I wanted her to keep talking and I would watch her face sitting mutely. But the social norms are different and human feelings are different. The day a person marries, every other relation stays behind in front of your partner. Society believes marriage gives you the purest relationship on earth, but relations are merely names given to feelings, why do we forget that always?”
“So you mean to say every best friends, if they are of opposite gender should get married?” He asked
“If they have deep feelings for each other, then why not, getting your best friend as your wife is much better than trying to make your wife as best friend. ” I said
“But our etiquette, culture and norms of society….” Rahul asked
“I know you are not completely agreeing with me
Wine and women debauch the young people always, people struggling in keeping promiscuous virtue can never understand there is a holiness of affection to the hearts. Love is like a pastoral eglantine, but hungry generation never understands that, do you know there are seven vows are taken in Hindu marriages” Arpit asked
“Yes I know , there are seven vows bride and groom take together ”
“Can you tell me what’s the last solemn pledge, I mean seventh one?” Arpit asked.
“No idea brother” Rahul said
“The seventh one is, they both vow together to remain best friends for forever. The couple who become best friends in life , succeeds enjoying the married life happily, those who fail becoming best friends of each other, they know how difficult their life is. Even if they don’t express their sorrows but some pains live under their smiles. Then what is wrong by seeing a future with your best friend. Why to make a new friend, why not to continue the existing one.“
“Arpit, I must tell you, you redefined something which people always get confused ” Rahul said
“So you are going to meet Sheetal? ” Rahul asked
“Yes, every year I meet her once, wherever she stays?”
With the thought of seeing her, my heart is filled with joy, it wants to jig, it wants to pirouette, it wants to fly with the wind.
“This is my story, what about you, have you ever loved someone?” Arpit asked
“The answer is no” Rahul said
“How is it possible? You might not have fallen in love, you must have had affairs then” Arpit asked
“Not like affairs, but yes one girl was in love with me.” Rahul said.
“Well…well..so how all that happened” Arpit teased.
“I don’t know her name, I don’t know when she saw me, one day I got a letter to meet her in a café. I didn’t go. Every week she sent me the same letter, after couple of weeks, I realized she loves me and went to meet her. She was pretty, she had everything to make me fall in love with but for me love, affairs, marriage were like alien concepts. I do research, laboratory is my life. In my life I never loved anyone, anything else than science. I respect her feelings but reciprocating her feelings was not in my hands. I knew she left heart broken but I never felt guilty. The reason is unknown to me but I always appear completely unmoved and imperturbable” Rahul said his story
“So you are going for any research work?” Arpit asked
“ No..to meet her” Rahul answered
“So..finally you fell in love han..” Arpit smiled.
“No.., I can never fall in love, but as a human I respect her feelings. She is the one, who loves me on earth more than anybody. I have deep respect for her. ”
“You people are in touch…may be friends” Arpit asked
“No, not like friends…we were not in touch also…one of her friend called me and asked to come, as she is unwell. That’s why I am here.”
“Where is she?” Arpit asked
“Chicago!” Rahul replied
The captain announced, the ship was reaching Chicago in ten minutes. It was a winter evening with fast fading blue sky up and moon was casting her babyish rays.
Both departed with a friendly hug. Arpit’s car stopped at a big building, seemed like a girl’s hostel. He went to room no 314..he knocked the door for sometime but no one responded. One girl from the opposite room came and asked.
“Are you Arpit?”
“Yes, I am…..where is Sheetal?” he asked.
Come with me, I will take you to her. Arpit couldn’t understand what was happening. It was sending pangs of irrational fear creeping up his spine. His face became a land beaded with sweat, bubbles of happiness that were winking at the brim of the heart died with a fulminated blow of strange air.
“Is she ok?”
“Yes she is ok,” The girl said
The wheels stopped at a hospital building, Strange thoughts clung his brain. When the door opened, Arpit’s leg got paralyzed. He couldn’t move his legs.
Sheetal opened her eyes slowly and saw Arpit standing at the door.
“Why are you there? Come near me” she said in a very low voice, with dry lips.
Palsy shakes immobilizing his pegs but entered into, stumbled over a stool kept in the room, and sat near her bed.
The cheerful face was dry and calm. Her voice was shaking.
Arpit held her hands and said
“What happened to you?”
A tear drop trickled from his eyes and fell on her hands
“I am perfectly fine, within a day or two, I will be ready to fight with you.” Her eyes were not supporting her words. How can we forget, eye sees and eye shows.
Doctor called Arpit to come out.
“What happened to her” Arpit asked
“She has brain cancer” Doctor said
It penetrated Arpit’s heart like a bullet. The numbness pains made him paralyzed but he controlled his emotions, the time was not to stumble about, not to break down, it was time to hold things.
“How much life she has?”
“May be a day…or two, may be few hours”
“Does she know?” Arpit asked
Doctor replied she was acquainted with this melancholy truth.
Arpit ran into the room and sat beside her, Sheetal opened her eyes again.
“Don’t believe on doctors, I am ok”
“Yes I know…” Arpit said holding her hands tight.
“Gloom pervaded your life, but I couldn’t struck a match to dispel the darkness,
I couldn’t able to answer your sufferings. “
“Who says so, when you are everything, why should I wish for anything” Arpit said
“I love you very much but I never reciprocated your feelings because of my failed love.”
“I know, I can understand,” Both looked into each other’s eyes
A nurse requested her to take sleeping draft, but Sheetal denied,
An attendant came and asked her permission to let someone in and she permitted
As Arpit moved his eyes, he couldn’t believe., he was the same person whom he met in the ship.
“Why are you here?” Sheetal asked
Rahul wept his tear drops and sat next side of Sheetal. She was lying on the hospital bed, she had one person sitting beside her, who loves her so much and the other side the person was sitting whom she loves. Sheetal couldn’t love Arpit, Rahul couldn’t accept Sheetal. Though every body respected other’s feelings.
“Do you hate me?” Rahul asked.
“No..I love you” Sheetal said
“I know, I always respect your feelings., your friend called me and informed about your ill health, I couldn’t stop myself, I came to see you” He said
“I hope you understand my feelings” Rahul added
“Yes, I understand you, I had no complains nor I have anything now.” She said
“Meet my friend Arpit, ” Sheetal pointed and both shook their hands as if meeting for the first time.
“I already met this person, but now I came to know his love is Sheetal. You are very lucky, you have someone, who loves you so much.”
“The most mysterious feeling is love, nobody ever succeeded to fathom out, how it comes, how it goes? I never understood why I couldn’t love him and why I couldn’t stop loving you?” She said
Sheetal’s eye turned blue….She found it difficult to breath.
“I am not able to see anything…where are you Arpit”
“I am here Sheetal, with you..” He held her hands tightly, they recalled their childhood days, how they were enjoying their time, slowly slowly the consequences of youth were cited, Rahul saw them flying with viewless wings of poesy.
“I love you Arpit”
It seemed as if Sheetal’s breath asking Arpit to embrace her, asking to hold her in his eyes forever, Her heart beats retarded, she gasped heavily and then her tender breath was not heard.
Sheetal closed her eyes.
An eternal silence spread all over the room.
A tempest swept over the island of his life and in a blink all his life’s happiness blown out. Sometimes life laughs unpleasantly at his own jest. Even if you are not laughing.Arpit cried like a child, holding Sheetal’s hand. A murmurous haunt for happiness ended in bedwed with sorrows. He never rescued from the fate’s darkling glance. Midnight pain never ceased. He knew what he had lost. Rahul was silent, watching them mutely. He could feel the heartache of a lover seeing his love dead. He went to Arpit and put hands on his shoulder.
“She loves you…” Rahul said and left the place.
Arpit was languished, the next morrow had nothing for him, as today Sheetal left. High requiem could be heard.
Sometimes brain never understands, heart never able to decide, when our breath never understands whom to inhale and whom to exhale. But our last breath says the name of our beloved.
Sheetal’s last breath passed saying, whom she loves.
When your breath knows there is a tomorrow, it may not speak the truth, but the last breath knows there won’t be anything after that, so it speaks the truth always.
Still I pine for Sheetal" Arpit’s breath spoke.
“Come back…come back “ Arpit’s heart beckoned, his breath beckoned
Arpit made his last forlorn attempt to breathe, but the sad heart of ruth stopped beating and the voyage started on perilous sea of love ended.
- Biswajit Sundara
